We bought a travel trailer!

Because I didn’t.. you know .. have enough on my plate already I decided to stack on more!

Curiosity got the best of me while Elliott was on his first 3 of a 72 hour shift yesterday… I decided to do some searching for a fixer upper inexpensive travel trailer for our trip in a few weeks and the interim in Florida where we didn’t have a house and now here we are 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

So far I’ve cleaned it out completely , finished the subfloor, put up the ceiling and most of the wall panels that needed to go back in, taken down all the curtains and valances- removed the horrific fabric and started redoing them, removed all the border wallpaper, filled the holes, started the kitchen cabinets , put back up the half wall and the divider , laid down the flooring ready to place and got all the paint supplies . I have a ton more to do but I’m confident I can finish this week so I’ll still have plenty of time to pack.

Here are some before pictures … try to keep an open mind and remember I have a vision!

It already looks a billion times better but I’ll save that for the end 👏🏻👏🏻

So basically …pray for me and my sanity. I’ll sleep when I’m dead

A new adventure is upon us…

It’s been years since I wrote a blog post and hopefully I will eventually catch up to where we are now but first let me start with the news… we’re moving!

We’ve been very fortunate in Elliott’s military career in that we haven’t had to pack up and move every couple years – while I’m sure it has it’s perks, I can’t imagine how hard it is on children and families. We decided with the current political (and literal as we come into the rainy fallwinterspring season) climate of of Oregon that it was just T I M E. We’ve had enough. We want our children to be raised in a better environment where we know they’ll thrive.

An opportunity arose and we decided to take a huge leap of faith… I don’t do this. We’re comfortable. We’re stable. We’re fine. BUT we want more , we just can’t be here for that… it took a while for me to accept that fact because my mind was filled with the “what if’s”

– What if we fail?

– What if our kids hate it?

– What if we can’t find the house we want?

– What if WE hate it?

– What if it doesn’t go as we hoped?

However the last few months this quote has been playing in my head on repeat

So we now have approximately 40 +\- days before we pack up all our entire existence, get in our cars and drive across the country to start our new life.

Where are we going you might be wondering?

I hope to post a lot over the next 8 weeks as we make the drive all the way across the United States and settle into our new home state. If you have it in your heart will you please pray for us and our journey – that we stay safe during our travels and also for our vision of our future… that it truly is better than we could have ever imagined 🖤

After the storm…

” I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born”

A verse that has brought so much comfort and hope.

One that brought a true picture of the future.

One I knew eventually would come true.

The pain of losing #4 was unlike anything we had ever experienced.

I didn’t know that type of pain was even possible.

There one minute and gone the next…

Erased completely from our future in the form we were all expecting.

I found peace and healing in helping others…there were unfortunately all too many who were suffering losses all around me.

As my words helped them , they also helped me.

The pain began to lessen , every day a little better than the next.

NEVER FORGETTING , but healing

All leading up to the day….we found out about you

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The journey does not end here. 

It’s only the beginning.

 There will be joy, laughter and insane happiness. There will be anxiety filled days, days where fear seems to consume more than I can handle, Days where I’m just hoping and praying to get to the next…

so that we can finally hold you in our arms and tell you how much we love you.

 

 

The short life of #4

WE dreamed of you. WE got you

..then you were taken so soon..

November 6th 2016

A day I will forever remember…This was the day I found out about you. I was testing so early I thought surely there was NO way I’d already see 2 pink lines, after all I was still 4 days out. Heck, I didn’t think I’d see 2 pink lines at all…

One month of trying doesn’t always produce the best odds.

But there they were, and my life was once again forever changed in the best way possible.

I of course had to think of a clever way to tell Dad, I hadn’t really done anything cute and I wanted to do it “right” …I figured I’d at least get a laugh out of him (For the record, I also tried to secretly record him opening it, but he caught on pretty quick!)  He was just as shocked as I was , I don’t think either of us really thought it could happen so quick, after all he’d just gotten back from his deployment a month before !

This pregnancy began like any other – Excitement, Fear, Anticipation, Hopes and Dreams for the future.

Fear; This pregnancy was so surrounded by fear. I tested daily, if not multiple times a day. I could not stop testing. I just didn’t feel right. Was the baby sticking? Were my numbers rising correctly? Would I have another Subchorionic Hematoma ?  Would I make it to term? Would I have Cholestasis again? Would I have another successful VBA2C?

All of these thoughts were surrounding me constantly.  I had SO much fear

We had our first Ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days ..The nausea had been going strong for about a week, I could hardly sleep because it always hit in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning – Eating was hit or miss. Sometimes it’d make the nausea better and sometimes it made it way…WAY worse.

I went into the ultrasound room so scared, Thank goodness Elliott was able to be there with me. I was shaking ; a combination of being both freezing and nervous. She squirted the warm gel on my belly and placed the cold wand down. A little bit of movement and there you were. Just a little grain of rice, your tiny spec of a heart beating away.

Your heart was beating at 110 BPM. I was measuring a couple of days behind. It was a little on the lower side according to what they wanted to see, but still viable and promising they said. The tech told me they may want to do another ultrasound in a couple of weeks as a viability check, but that my midwife would call me. She called me later that day and told me everything looked great, that the tech was wrong and that anything above 100 BPM is perfectly acceptable.

I still didn’t feel right. I had no sense of relief after that call.

I continued on like normal. All of my pregnancy symptoms increased substantially over the next couple of weeks…I started to feel more comfortable in the pregnancy, but that fear never went away.

– 8 weeks rolls around –

Still feeling very…pregnant. I began to create a registry. Every day that passed I felt more and more okay and relaxed. I was able to find the heartbeat on the doppler at just 8 weeks 6 days…this was a new record. This little one wanted to be heard .

Loud and clear… The sound of pure Relief.

It was finally here 

Every couple of days I’d spend a few minutes listening to the little gallop that was growing stronger and louder inside my also growing belly…There were a few days when It was nowhere to be found but I’d try again later and there it was. Our little Houdini. At my first midwife appointment at 10 weeks baby gave her the same trouble; nowhere to be found . However I wasn’t too worried, as it had become a little game of hide and seek. She pulled the little ultrasound machine into the room. This time cold gel and cold wand met my belly… there you were, once again, only bigger.

You actually looked like a little baby now. Heart beating away.

The next week went without a hitch. I decided to visit another midwife clinic as I wasn’t completely happy with my care I was receiving. She ordered an ultrasound for dating purposes. 11 weeks and 4 days. I got to see you again.

Tiny legs and feet crossed, Tiny hands up by your face, Tiny heart beating

Still measuring a couple of days behind, but that was okay because you looked perfect.

I felt okay. In fact I felt better than okay. I felt great.

For the first time in this pregnancy I was confident that YOU were going to make it.

7 days that lasted. 7 days I got to feel like I was on top of the world.

Tuesday January 3rd 2017

Started the day like any other. I had tons of errands to run that day. The dreaded DMV being one of them, I was going to get some grocery shopping done, and meet up with a good friend to catch up over coffee.

I got Noah on the bus and off to school. I got Finn and Oliver in the car and  there it was …I felt the dreaded feeling. The one I had felt in my last pregnancy.

The gush

I couldn’t even fathom what I was seeing, I ran to the bathroom only to find bright red blood. I knew this could only mean 1 of 2 things

1. Subchorionic Hematoma

2. Miscarriage

Neither of which I wanted to believe were true, but my heart was hoping and praying for the first.

We couldn’t lose you now. I was almost 13 weeks and we JUST saw you.

I rushed to get Dad from work, I couldn’t do this alone. On the car ride there the blood came heavier and heavier. I had nothing to soak it up anymore. I felt like I was in a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up. We tried the first hospital ; 2.5 hour wait. We went to another; I couldn’t travel anymore. I was dizzy , I had nothing more to use to catch the blood and I needed to know what was going on. I waited what seemed like forever. At least an hour and a half passed…probably more; my phone died so I had no track of time. One by one each person was taken back, until finally it was my turn.

I had at least 5 big gushes by this point, I was not hopeful.

Once I got back they were fairly quick with getting me back to the ultrasound room.

There you were. Just as before. Hand by your face. Heart beating away. Looking just like your older brother. This time measuring ahead!

I let out the biggest sigh of relief. YOU WERE OKAY. At least for now

I was diagnosed with a large Subchorionic Hematoma. This one was much bigger than I had before, and it was located underneath you, underneath the placenta.

At this time I didn’t realize

…that was basically a death sentence.

No one in the ER was knowledgeable on SCH and she just said to follow up with my midwife , but since I had one before and the baby was just fine that we’d probably be “ok”.

I went home feeling positive, the fear was increasing by the minute but I was hopeful.

I checked your heartbeat almost every day after that . I was on bed rest , and frankly there wasn’t much I could do. Every time, like clockwork I found it.

Nestled on my left side, Beating away.

Saturday January 7th 2017

Your brothers loved you so much. We all did.

This was the last time we heard your heart beat and it will be a memory I will cherish forever.

“Hi baby. What are you doing? How are you?”

Your heartbeat was coming in between 185-190. This was high. Very high. I knew something wasn’t right…call it mothers intuition , call it what you will…but it was there.

I knew.

I tried to brush it off. I was overreacting. I was just surrendering to the fear. I tried to tell myself everything was fine.

I knew it wasn’t. 

Sunday January 8th 2017

I searched for your heartbeat. Only it was nowhere to be found.

My heart sank.

I searched 4 more times that day. Each time becoming more and more grim.

I knew you were already gone.

I put a call in to the midwife. She assured me that since I wasn’t “trained” in using a doppler that I was just missing it. The baby was hiding. Everything was probably just fine.

Monday January 9th 2017

I was able to get an appointment 30 minutes after I called in. I tried to stay positive even though I already knew.

I had thousands of strangers praying for me in all of my various groups I’m active in online.

Babywearing, Cloth Diapering, Birth, Moms and more.

I felt it. I felt SO wrapped in all of the love and prayers of everyone. I knew at that moment that even if everything wasn’t ok. It would be.

I sat alone in the cold room.

The first nurse came in – cold gel and doppler to tummy; nothing.

The second nurse came in – cold gel and doppler to tummy; nothing

My heart sank further and further. I was right.

You were gone. 

They wanted to have me go to another clinic 30 minutes away for an ultrasound, they said maybe they were still missing something. They were still holding so much upbeat positivity it almost upset me. I just wanted someone to say it.

I waited 20 minutes or so before they finally told me that a midwife agreed to do an in room ultrasound. The same machine that just a month earlier had confirmed your heartbeat…only this time it held an entirely different purpose.

This time it was to confirm that your heart had stopped.

I hadn’t cried. I don’t think it had really hit me yet. I needed to see it to really believe it.

Cold gel, cold wand to belly.

There you were, still the same as week earlier.

Only your tiny body was still.

There was no flutter any longer.

You were gone. 

The midwifes eyes turned red and puffy. I knew she was holding back tears. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was and walked out. It was at that moment I lost it. I don’t think I stopped crying for 3 hours.

I had to go down to get a formal ultrasound, they fit me in as an emergency.

I got one last look at you.

So perfect. So formed. Hand up by your face. Legs and feet crossed. Only this time; still.

You were going to be something so big.

But we lost you.

The next week was a blur. I woke up every day still feeling pregnant. I was still nauseous, my breasts still hurt and my belly still showed of your life. I wanted to do this natural. I wanted to birth you in the comfort and warmth of our own home. So that you only knew peace. I felt you deserved that.

You deserved the best.

As the days passed and there was no sign of you coming I became weak. I knew I could no longer carry you around inside of me lifeless. It was killing me, and slowly breaking me down.

I needed to set you free. 

The current hospital I was at couldn’t get me in for a consult until January 30th. I couldn’t fathom going that much longer. I contacted another hospital and they were able to get me in the same day. We discussed my options. My only goal out of all of this was to bring you out into this world as peaceful as possible. I wanted to labor, I wanted to see you, and say one last goodbye; for now.

Saturday January 14th 2017

I was able to get in for an induction. They were going to insert a medication called Cytotec as to hopefully stimulate my cervix to open, uterus to contract and then release you. They started at 9:30 AM. The OB on call was not aligned well with me and my wishes , I had to fight pretty hard for what I wanted for you. He wanted to jump straight to surgery at 6:00 PM. This was not okay with me, I wanted to give my body and you a chance. He finally reluctantly agreed to let me go until the next morning at 8:00 AM. I was hopeful.

The cramping began a couple of hours after the medication was inserted… My husband got up in bed with me; we just laid there. I dozed off for a bit and was in and out. I was so tired. The hours passed as the cramping slowly transitioned into contractions. These were real contractions. These hurt. This was labor and I felt that we’d been meeting you soon.

I had hard contractions ( think middle of labor right before transition) for around 5 hours. They were 2 minutes apart lasting around 20-30 seconds. The nurse came in to check on vitals – offered me pain medication which I decided to take.

I had felt enough pain, I now needed peace. 

As the contractions picked up so did the bleeding, I really thought this was it. I began passing clots and tissue…none of which were you. You were still inside.

Labor stalled out around 11 pm. Elliott fell asleep in the rocking chair next to me and I slowly fell asleep as the labor pains completely stopped.

My body was done, It couldn’t do anymore.

They warned me this would happen, I was so far along. There was so much formed and you were so big.

I knew what needed to happen next. I surrendered to sleep. I was awoken at 7:20 AM to a gentle tap. It was the anesthesiologist.

She had a kind face, and I felt okay. She told me shed be back in about 25 minutes to give me an IV medication to help me relax before they put me under general anesthesia.

I was shaking, I was cold. I had to go alone. This wasn’t how I wanted this to happen.

The last thing I remember is them having me go from my bed, to the operating room table. She put the oxygen mask over my face and told me to breathe regularly and that it would all be over soon.

I woke up in another room, the clock showed 9:35. How had it been over an hour? It was just 8:00. The brought me a cup of ice chips, and asked how I was feeling.

I was shockingly fine, I didn’t hurt (thank you pain meds) , I wasn’t nauseous.

I was okay, I made it.

Then I remembered, You were gone. I never even got to see you.

I know I will see you again someday, but I just wanted to say goodbye.

Overall my experience was very healing. Knowing that both your physical and spiritual self were now set free was a very freeing feeling. I knew that you were okay. I felt it.

You never felt pain. Only love

What more could a mother wish for their child?

I will forever miss you. I will forever wonder what you would have looked like, who you would have become and how you would have changed the world.

I suppose this was your purpose…and you didn’t need long to do it

You taught us just how fragile life really is, we are never promised tomorrow

You taught us to love more than we ever have

You showed us that even the smallest of things can have the biggest impact

We are the lucky ones, even if we only got to know you for what seems like the blink of an eye.

We were picked to be your parents.

I was picked to be your mother ; the only thing you ever heard and felt was my beating heart.

We will forever remember you, and we will never stop loving you.

…Until we meet again…

Fly high sweet butterfly 

The VBA2C birth of Oliver

Oliver, my third sweet baby boy is now 1 year 7 months and 15 days…

It’s hard to believe so much time has passed since this day, it’s still so fresh in my mind.

I have been planning on writing this blog post for months; well 1 year, 7 months and 15 days to be exact, I just haven’t seemed to be able to find the time to actually sit down and do it. So here it goes..

February 21st 2014

I once again was DETERMINED to have a VBAC- a woman from a local moms group I was in was on her way to becoming a doula- She was the sweetest person I’d ever met in my life and I knew right away she was someone I could trust to be in my sacred birth space. She offered early on to be there as my doula. I had heard from so many people how truly invaluable doulas could be and I knew I was not about to “fail again” I knew that she would make all the difference so I gladly accepted her offer. We met up a few times throughout my pregnancy to discuss my wants, wishes and previous trials during my past labors and births.

I had a fairly difficult pregnancy this go around- one thing after another it seemed … early bleeding, a subchorionic hemorrhage, Low blood pressure, dizziness, nausea, kidney stones/infections, gallstones,  itchiness and then the biggest of all; I was diagnosed with cholestasis of pregnancy at 38 weeks and 5 days – it’s a serious pregnancy induced condition that has a high risk of stillbirth. In short; the increase in pregnancy hormones — such as occurs in the third trimester — may slow the normal flow of bile out of the liver. Eventually, the buildup of bile in the liver allows bile acids to enter the blood stream and it’s recommended to induce and/or deliver immediately. I felt instantly defeated- I knew how my first birth went and did not want another induction but I knew it’s what I needed to do.

I went in the night I found out to begin the induction. October 23rd at 6:00 PM I started at 1.5cm and 40% – since I had previous cesareans they started with a foley bulb to manually dilate my cervix to a 3/4 – this was a new intervention to me and although I was familiar with induction I was not with this method and it was a little intimidating. The midwife warned me that it could be extremely painful and that I would not be looked down upon for requesting a short lived pain medication for the time being- I refused because I wanted to be fully present for the labor and I didn’t want anything taking away the focus…this was put in at 7:30 PM ;they said it could take up to 12 hours to complete and fall out once your cervix hit a certain point.  Mine fell out within an hour and a half while using the bathroom! They then started the pitocin at 9:00 PM- labor started to really pick up around the 24 hour mark . I had been walking around the hospital halls for hours and hours with my husband, it was the only thing that really seemed to keep my mind occupied and off the pain. It got the point where my mind could only focus on it and I knew I needed to try something else . I knew early on I wanted to spend some labor time in the tub, I was never able to with the previous labors and I had heard what great natural pain relief It could be so I finally got in the tub to try and relieve some pain – my poor husband and doula spent a few hours just holding a shower head on my low back to relieve the pain, but it helped immensely. I was checked for only the second time since I had started and was around a 6/7 with a bulging bag of waters- so my midwife suggested breaking them – I was so scared I’d just end up in the same situation again , with a broken bag of waters , an incredible amount of pain and on the time clock of the doctors so I was very hesitant. It had been about 30 hours at this point- I was exhausted, I was in pain, I couldn’t focus and I felt like giving up (HELLO TRANSITION!) I didn’t think I could do it, I had already surpassed the 28 hour mark of the last 2 labors and I was still not there. After talking it over with my husband and doula I decided that I would get the epidural to try and relax and give my body some time to work and then go from there, the epidural was a pretty painful process- it took a while for her to get it in, and I had VERY painful contractions in conjunction with that. I was given a button to “increase” the medication if I felt It needed to be, but it didn’t seem to make much of a difference… I was able to sleep for a short amount here and there and after around an hour and a half I was checked again and was A COMPLETE 10 with a small lip that went away with the contractions. My bag of waters was still intact, and still bulging – I was finally at the point where I felt comfortable with  breaking it, knowing I was already there and that it couldn’t set me back now. I had two seperate large gushes of water (all down the bed and over the floor- OOPS!) The contractions instantly picked up in intensity – the pain went from bad to worse and I couldn’t believe I was actually here- at this point I started to get very nervous to actually push! I had NEVER gotten this far! Then they had me do a few practice pushes and I realized it was really go time- There was no going back now, this was what I had wished for and worked so hard to get to for so long. The epidural was what I would call a very light one, a “walking” one if you will. I could still feel what I would say was everything, it just took the edge off a bit. I was able to move around on the bed (the wouldn’t let me out for liability purposes however had I have been allowed to stand I would have)  I pushed for a total of 3.5 hours – All sorts of different positions; squatting with the squat bar, side laying , all fours.. I started to get a horrible pain , it felt like my tail bone was breaking and I honestly thought it was , turns out I was having to work him down and around it but no breaking 😉 I was on all fours on the bed and this point and it was definitely the most painful part of the entire process. Once his head was passed that it became much less intense. Towards the end his heart rate wasn’t recovering as well as they wanted so they started suggesting vacuum or forceps – neither of which I was okay with. They brought in all of the tools just “in case” , in an emergency that they needed them. They put them towards the back of the room covered up so I didn’t have to look at them as it was causing a great amount of fear just seeing them there.  I realized I needed to him out or I was looking at another C-section, I did not come so far to have it end this way again (Of course had their have been a true emergency I would have had one in a heartbeat- nothing was more important than his life and safety)

I was laying on my side and pushed with all my might the next few contractions and I did it. I was able to feel his head emerging , one last push and  I put my hands down and pulled him up on my stomach. The feeling was truly indescribable! I finally got to feel my slippery warm baby, see and hear his first cry, I was the first person to touch my baby! I never thought this would happen!  He was earthside – October 25th at 7:34 AM . His cord was very short so I couldn’t pull him up too far- and he was absolutely wailing. I had planned on wanting to wait until the cord stopped pulsating but given the circumstances we waited a few minutes for the cord , Daddy cut it and then I was finally able to pull him up to my chest and kiss his sweet little head. I then delivered the placenta. I had one tiny tare on the side but other than that everything was perfect.

 

His birth was everything I’d felt like I was missing all along and I was so happy to have experienced it. I absolutely couldn’t have done it without the constant support and help of my husband, my doula and the incredibly supportive team of nurses and midwives -even when I thought I couldn’t they knew I could.

We got immediate skin to skin, and were able to start breastfeeding right away. I denied a bath for him and all care (after he was weighed and checked out) was done in my arms. He weighed in at 8LBS 5.5OZ! My biggest baby yet , and he was my successful vaginal birth after 2 cesareans. I was so incredibly proud of how we worked together. Body, mama and baby. WE did it ❤

This was a life changing experience, and one I will never forget.

 

 

There is no being residing in my uterus right now, and even if there was who is anyone to judge?

So let me preface this post with saying; NO , I am in fact NOT pregnant…Since it’s been asked a few times lately. There is no being residing in my uterus right now, and even if there was who is anyone to judge?

I want to know something; Since when did having a large family become such a bad thing?? AND Since when did anyone else’s family size become EVERYONE else’s business???

People are either on one side of this scale , or the other in my situation…there doesn’t seem to be any in between.

SIDE ONE:  Aren’t you done having kids yet? Do you not have enough? Are you not busy enough? Are your hands not full enough?

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE YOUR OWN HOCKEY TEAM PRETTY SOON.

WOW THAT’S A LOT OF BOYS.

OH BUT WHAT IF YOU END UP WITH ANOTHER BOY?

YES I GET IT !!! WE HAVE 3 BOYS!!!! YOU CAN COUNT!!! 

ok sorry, that last comment was rude…but seriously, I’m over it. 

SIDE TWO:

Aren’t you sad you don’t have a girl? Don’t you WANT a girl? Aren’t you going to ‘try’ for a girl ? (as If I have some sort of say in the matter)

When I tell people (when asked, I don’t tend to solicit the info of my ideal family size as to avoid these comments) that I want 4 children I usually get big ol bug eyes staring back at me, I can see it… the YOU ARE BAT $#!% CRAZY – It’s forming , brewing even, however I usually only get the “OH SO YOU’RE TRYING FOR A GIRL.”

for goodness sakes.

For once, just once…I want someone to look at me like a normal person , without looking like I have two heads or four eyes , when I answer the dreaded question; “Are you done having kids?”

I was told a few weeks ago…”YOU’RE DONE having kids so why are you saving that baby gear?” … uhhem, excuse me, you don’t look like my husband – and you sure as heck aren’t me…so who are YOU to tell ME about my family? or the “OH GEEZE” eyeroll response when answering that we will have at least one more…

I don’t ask for pity, I don’t ask for anyone to feel sorry for me… my life is CRAZY , my life is LOUD and it is MESSY… I’ll be the first to admit it, I’m probably about to lose my mind about 50% of the time! I clean poop off of places I never should have to, I say things I never thought I would ” Hey your brother really doesn’t want your winky touching his arm so get off of him” or “Please get your fingers out of there” (can be applied in many instances) but this is what I was meant to do, and I wouldn’t have it ANY other way. Lots of people knew what they wanted to be when they ‘grew up’ … I always knew I was going to be a mom (and I wanted 20 kids when I was a youngin’ so all y’all just be glad I changed my mind on that one 😉 )

Our family is just that, OURS.. I ALWAYS wanted a big family , I grew up as a (mostly) only child…I didn’t have that strong bond growing up with a sister, or a brother in the house – and I wish I would have. I adore watching my boys’ relationships with one another – I see them growing in their love (and bickering) every single day and It’s amazing.

Nobody pays our bills. Nobody else takes care of our children.

We live on our own. We drive our own cars. We work , HARD for what we have.

Are we rich? Not even close.

Do we have everything we and our children NEED? Yes absolutely. 

SO WHY is it OKAY for ANYONE else to have an opinion on OUR FAMILY?

I’m not a very religious person, but I do believe that we are given what we are meant to have…If we are to have a 4th boy then YES! We have FOUR BOYS! If we are to have a girl as our 4th – the YES! We have THREE BOYS and ONE GIRL!

I don’t believe that our family is any less or more for having a child one sex or the other. They are all our greatest gifts and blessings. Nothing would ever change that fact.

So here’s to another baby, or four. HA … kidding 😉 

The birth of Noah

I was a week away from 17 for my first birth … I was young, scared of the pain, completely uninformed on the ins – and outs of labor and birth. To be honest I don’t think I really even THOUGHT much about the labor process until I was a week “overdue”.

I went in for my appointment and NST and my OB informed me of all the “risks” of being overdue and all that could happen. She told me that I NEEDED to be induced immediately before any of those horrible things happened. I trusted that 100% without question, without being truly informed of all that could happen with an induction.

I went in at midnight on July 1st for the start of a 2 day induction.. I was pretty hard and closed – They started with the pill that they place on your cervix – Misoprostol and then gave me some medicine to “help me sleep” so that it could do it’s job and I could rest; All it did was make me incredibly groggy, incredibly irritable and, incredibly frustrated..I was in and out of sleep until around 10:00 am when they decided to check progress and asses what to do next. I was softened to around 80% and 1cm dilated. It was around 1:00 when they decided to start the pitocin (synthetic oxytocin). From the time I got there I was not allowed out of bed, I was not allowed any food, or water.. I was given Ice chips. I went through about 5 hours of painful induced labor after the pitocin before they decided to break my bag of waters because I wasn’t progressing fast enough for them. This was done at around 4cm and 100% effacement. This sent me in to an amount of pain that I did not think was imaginable before .. the “cushion” that was there – was no longer and the contractions increased in both intensity and time. I lasted about 30 minutes before asking (no begging) for an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in to place it. It wasn’t too painful to insert – like I had been warned it may be. Once the epidural was in place I was expecting to feel relief, but I didn’t. The only thing this epidural did was prevent me from moving my legs, from completely getting out of bed and being stuck in one position as the pain surged through my body… anyone who’s ever been in any sort of pain knows that you want to be able to move around to find the most comfortable position. I COULDN’T do this. Once about an hour went by I started to get some relief on my right side and then slight relief on my left about an hour later . I was able to relax a little finally, we had lots of guests and visitors coming in and out at this point and I was trying to focus more on that then the pain. We listened to some comedians doing stand up, through the iPod player I brought for “relaxing music”  ( that didn’t happen)

Doctors and nurses were coming in and out – never the same one twice it seemed.. They were checking for dilation, upping meds and whatever else they do. I lost track honestly. It was around 7:00 PM when a very nice doctor came on, for the first time all day someone talked to me like I was a human, like I was a woman in labor – he took the time to sit with me, explain what was going on, what needed to happen and what all the outcomes could be with a prolonged labor. He checked my cervix and said I was 7cm ! however there was bad news; was my baby was “posterior or facing up, spine in line with mine” Which makes for prolonged labors, difficult back contractions and very often a cesarean section..This to me was great news – this meant I was progressing. Maybe my body did know what to do ! He said baby looked great, and he was comfortable with me progressing further as long as everyone was taking it well.  The nurse got me a peanut ball to put between my legs and they were helping me switch sides every 30/45 minutes to encourage baby to rotate. He came back in around 11:00 PM to check again for progress – I was around 9cm.. however still posterior – he said we’d keep going if I wanted to , and I did.. around 12:00 am he came in to check “one last time” – Still a 9 and according to him my cervix began to swell and close back up.. This was something I’d never heard of something  I didn’t know was even possible. He said at this point there was nothing we could do and I would not be having my baby vaginally that we needed to prep for a cesarean section – It had been over 24 hours since I started and now this. I was devastated, heartbroken , but most of all terrified – I had never had surgery – let alone MAJOR surgery. Would I survive? Would I be okay? Would my baby be okay?? My mind was racing a million miles a minute. I broke down. Elliott had been amazing the entire labor, he didn’t leave my side for a minute, he was right there every second I needed him. He told me I would be okay, nothing would happen to me , or our baby. We would all be fine. This was exactly what I needed to hear. He got in his scrubs, me in my gown and hair-net and we were wheeled back. They dosed up my epidural with stronger meds and put me on the OR table. I was shakey – the room was bright, cold and almost lifeless… Not how I imagined giving birth – but it’s what It had come to. I felt lots of pain, and lots of pressure and then I heard a cry , but I couldn’t see anything. I truly felt like it was a nightmare that I’d be waking up from very soon – but it wasn’t. They finally held him up so I could see him. It was at that point that I started getting horrible chest pains, I couldn’t breathe and was starting to black out.. I wasn’t sure what was going on – or even where I was. They injected me with a medication in my IV and I fell asleep. I woke up in the recovery room and I just wanted my baby, I wanted to know that he was okay . They went and got Elliott and brought him and the baby in. I immediately got to hold him and try our hand at breastfeeding – he latched on great thank goodness. I was so determined to breastfeed and was terrified that this separation would be detrimental to that relationship. I was wheeled back to our room after about 45 minutes and was able to have visitors come in. The doctor came in and explained how the surgery went – he said upon closer view of my pelvis It was just TOO SMALL to birth a baby – ever.. He said for any future children I would need to have a c-section. I had what is known as Cephalopelvic disproportion. This truly was devastating news as I wanted more children – and knew you were limited to safely 2/3 .  I had a fairly easy recovery, I was up walking and showering within about 6 hours – and felt back to normal within a couple of days. We had a great breastfeeding relationship that lasted till around 15 months when there was a combination of illness/self weaning – even though I wanted to make it to two I knew I gave him the best start I could!

Noah – born via Cesarean section on July 2nd, 2008 – 7lbs 15oz – 21 inches long

A little intro..

I’ve got one house-full of boys on my hands… and let me let you in on a little secret

…

I LOVE IT. I am the mother hen. I am the only estrogen in our house of testosterone and that’s probably a good thing because sometimes, I have my moments.

I’ll admit with every pregnancy after the first I’ve had that “longing” of sorts for a girl .. but after every ultrasound – seeing those little boy goods , the sweet little face, little hands and tiny heart beating a way – that longing goes away. We have truly been blessed with 3 healthy , beautiful, perfect children and in the end THAT’S what matters.

Elliott and I met in high-school in 2007.. I’ll spare you the sappy details but lets just say even at 15 & 16 we knew. We got pregnant with our first at a very young age but there was never a doubt in our minds about what the outcome would be. We buckled down , grew up, moved out and had our sweet first boy. We got married in December of 2009 (coming up in EXACTLY 10 days! – 5 years.. WOW) We moved apartments, than houses, switched jobs; we had ups and we had downs.. but in the end persevered.  In 2013 we welcomed our second baby boy – then in 2014 our third. We keep getting asked if we are done – or the infamous “Will you try again for a girl?!” and to be honest.. WE don’t know! Maybe… Maybe not…But for now, we will enjoy and cherish every moment that passes with our three boys 🙂

My house is crazy – It’s loud, It’s always moving, always going .. It truly never stops. The laundry , the DIRT , the messes, the noise, the movements but most of all the LOVE.